I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
