Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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