You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Im part way to drunk.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
