i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
