I think I won the penis lottery.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
