today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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