I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
