He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
