There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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