woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
being pregnant is like rehab
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
