Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
