I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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