Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
