I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
