so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
