oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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