i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
