i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
