I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
