dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
