guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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