i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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