Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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