our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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