his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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