Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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