i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
