just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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