My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
