he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
