I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
