I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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