Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
