she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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