carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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