Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
