im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
