Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I FOUND THE LEGS
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
