I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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