why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
