you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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