I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
