Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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