Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
