I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
