the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
