I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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