How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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