cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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