There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
