Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
