mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How does it feel to date your dad?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
