the condom got lost in my hair
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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