I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
