peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
