I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
